Regret

re·gret

rəˈɡret/

verb

1. 1.

   feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity).

noun

1. 1.

   a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done.

For so many years, I went through life saying I have no regrets. If it weren't for my mistakes/lows, I wouldn't be who I am now, which is true. I love who I am today. I am proud of myself and all that I have accomplished so far.  But I suppose it doesn't mean I can't, or shouldn't be able to, feel regret.

Last night, someone from my past reached out to me, and it shook up my entire evening. I drafted a post that probably won't ever see the light of day, but I was so furious. I was so overcome by negative emotions I didn't know what to do with myself. I hated that after so many years, a few simple text messages could shake me up so much. I became even more enraged that I couldn't brush off the anger. I simply hated that after so many years, I couldn't shake the ill feelings.

I felt like I was going crazy. For a second I was thinking that I needed therapy for this, but I just realized that it's maybe just time to unload the baggage and stop trying to carry the unnecessary weight. There's a lot of my past that I've chosen to suppress, figuring that if I acted like it never happened, it wasn't real. 

I wish I hadn't. I wish I spoke up. I wish I wasn't so afraid. I wish I pressed charges. I wish he went to jail for his wrongdoings. I wish that I wasn't so afraid to speak up for "my mistakes." 

When I was 13, my basketball coach made advances and began to pursue a relationship with me... 

My Mexican Grandparents

When I was younger, I would tell people that I had 3 sets of grandparents. In grade school, a teacher of mine said that it wasn't biologically possible with my current nuclear family. I tried to explain to her that I had two Mexican grandparents in addition to my Japanese ones. At the time, I didn't understand how they couldn't be my grandparents. Having grown up in the same house for my entire life, I never knew them as my neighbors, they were always Grandpa and Grandma.  Since they lived across the street, I actually saw them much more often than most of my biological relatives.

They would shower me with hugs and kisses whenever they saw me, and were always so proud of my various sports and academic accomplishments. I felt so special having an extra pair of loving elders in my life.

Growing up they were always looking after us. If they noticed a car in the driveway on a weekday afternoon (usually meant someone was sick), they'd call to check on us. If we went out of town, they would grab our mail, collect our new papers, and watch after the house. Oftentimes when we got home at the end of the day, we were greeted with warm hello's, from across the street, as they sat on their front porch. 

Times have changed though... Grandpa passed always a couple years ago and grandma became more and more forgetful. We'd wave to her as she sat on the porch, but she wouldn't wave back. Not sure if she couldn't see us, or just didn't recognize us anymore. A few weeks ago she was diagnosed with stomach cancer, but at 98, hospice and comfort care were the only options. She passed peacefully at home last week. It still hasn't fully sunk in that she's gone. 

My apologies, I didn't write this post to be morbid, but to remind myself how lucky I was to have an extra set of grandparents. People would look at me sideways when I'd talk about my Mexican grandparents, but I was always so proud to tell people about them. Having friends who never had the chance to meet some of their grandparents, I am so thankful that God blessed me with 6. 

 What kind of Asian are you?

If Asians Said The Stuff While People Say 

It's sad how much I relate to these videos, LOL.

I also figured we could use a good laugh since my next post is a little somber. 

- D.

What Generation Are You? | What Am I?

• My sister and I were both born in California.
• Both my parents were born in the California.
• Of my grandparents, two were born in Hawaii, one in California, and one in Utah (that's a funny one, people always look at me sideways when I tell them my 92 year old grandma grew up on a farm!). 
• My great-grandparents: Most were born in Japan, but on my mom's side, a couple were born in Canada.

So what does that make me? 4th/5th Generation? Generation 4.5? 

At 25, I'm still not too sure!

Asian Female Stereotypes

What comes to mind?

Submissive. Soft Spoken. Graceful. Delicate. Feminine. Subservient. Fluent in their ethnic language. Good at math. Bad drivers? The list can go on and on. 

I am NONE of the above.

Growing up, I'd get told things like:

"Why can't you be more like ____?" 

"I'm sure your parents didn't raise you to be like this."

"Why must you be so loud?"

"You're a girl, you can't act like that."

Etc.  

I have a very strong personality, am loud, outspoken, clumsy, accident prone, and grew up a total 'tomboy.'  I've been known to question rules/authority if they don't make sense; not in a negative way, but because I'm not the type of person to do something simply because I'm told to.  Math, I struggled; I did pretty well in school, but it wasn't the least bit easy.  I also don't speak Japanese. 

To this day, I'll even get comments like, "Wow, it's like you're not even Asian!" In high school I was once called a "banana" because I'm 'Yellow on the outside but White on the inside.' I was once at a friend's house and some random guy approached me and said, "Growing up, did you watch Pokemon? By the way, I love Anime." When people find out my ethnic origin, a good majority will attempt to start talking to me in Japanese. 

I dislike the looks and reactions I get when people find out that I don't speak my ethnic language, or when I'm a little overly boisterous when I'm having a good time. I don't have a third eye growing out of my forehead, I just don't fit the stereotypes. 

 - D. 

The Non-Asian Asian

Since deciding to come back to Blogger, I've tossed around different ideas about what and how to blog.

Many things I want to share are random thoughts or past events, and are all extremely random. Nothing's wrong with that, my previous blog was labeled "My Simple Randomness," but it at least had chronological organization to it. I admire how Rick blogs, but I think my neurotic OCD tendencies would get the best of me, frustrate me to no end, and then I'd just stop blogging all together (yes, I can be THAT neurotic).

So I've been brainstorming different themes.

A theme to somehow connect all of the random content together. My issue was that all the different topics I've been wanting to write about seemingly had no common ground.
It wasn't until I realized how unusual a lot of the mental drafts I had in my head were. I've made, what most would consider, a lot of "socially unacceptable/unconventional" decisions - especially in the eyes of many Asian cultures.

I'll get into my ethnic and cultural background sooner than later, but for now, I've decided to change my blog title to The Non-Asian Asian.

At least for now, until I get bored or write myself into a corner.

- D. 

When I was 18 | Looking Back

Looking back at my first blog, there is one thing that I wish I had done differently:

I wish I didn't use my full name. 

Being of Japanese descent, I have an extremely uncommon and distinct surname. My blog URL was my first and last name, making my personal ramblings and photos available for all see with a quick Google Search. There isn't another person out there with the same first and last name as myself. Had my surname been Smith, Garcia, or Wang, I wouldn't have had a problem, but that wasn't the case.  

Thus being one of the reasons for the new blog. 

There are plenty of people in this world who don't know boundaries; or what 'No.' and 'Not interested.' mean; or when to stop making unwanted advances. The Internet has gotten me into some unwanted situations in the past, and now I'm just being extra cautious. 

So for now, I'm just D.