re·gret
rəˈɡret/
verb
- 1.feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity).
noun
- 1.a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done.
For so many years, I went through life saying I have no regrets. If it weren't for my mistakes/lows, I wouldn't be who I am now, which is true. I love who I am today. I am proud of myself and all that I have accomplished so far. But I suppose it doesn't mean I can't, or shouldn't be able to, feel regret.
Last night, someone from my past reached out to me, and it shook up my entire evening. I drafted a post that probably won't ever see the light of day, but I was so furious. I was so overcome by negative emotions I didn't know what to do with myself. I hated that after so many years, a few simple text messages could shake me up so much. I became even more enraged that I couldn't brush off the anger. I simply hated that after so many years, I couldn't shake the ill feelings.
I felt like I was going crazy. For a second I was thinking that I needed therapy for this, but I just realized that it's maybe just time to unload the baggage and stop trying to carry the unnecessary weight. There's a lot of my past that I've chosen to suppress, figuring that if I acted like it never happened, it wasn't real.
I wish I hadn't. I wish I spoke up. I wish I wasn't so afraid. I wish I pressed charges. I wish he went to jail for his wrongdoings. I wish that I wasn't so afraid to speak up for "my mistakes."
When I was 13, my basketball coach made advances and began to pursue a relationship with me...
Oh no! I'm so sorry you experienced that. There are too many creeps in the world. I would love to punch the guy--or hold him while your dad did. We could give each other alibis later!!! But I worry that type of reaction is why some girls keep quiet about such things...afraid someone they love (your dad, not me) will get in trouble trying to punish the creep. I'm glad you've decided to talk about it. I really do think it helps to get things out into the light. It's normal to feel very alone when you're writing about such things, but you're definitely not alone my friend!!!
ReplyDeleteMy wife came close to having a similar experience with a 9th grade science teacher. I wrote a post about it. The main point is that it's not the girl's fault in these situations...not when it happens and not if they can't talk about it later.
http://ricademus.blogspot.com/2011/11/trusted-authority-figure.html
I just feel so foolish that the relationship carried on for so long. As wrong as I knew it was, I couldn't get out of the relationship. He was such a manipulative, controlling, and abusive person, so when I was finally able to end things, I wanted nothing to do with him so I just ignored everything; essentially letting him get away with everything he had done.
DeleteRYC: I'm much better, thank you. Prescriptions 9 and 10 did the trick!
ReplyDeleteGoodness 9 & 10 prescriptions!? I can't believe that you were THAT sick, I'm glad that you're doing better!!
DeleteI am so bad about it, and good at it, packing away negative experiences. Was just considering that this morning. I was thinking about how many bad times I have erased and how many good times were caught up in the erasing as well. So a regret of mine is certainly that I allowed myself to be able to adapt to anything like throws at me and still keep smiling like a trooper. To show sadness, anger, weakness was not allowed, be happy no matter what and just move on. I am doing better at it now, I allow myself those feelings, I allow bad moods, I am OK if I get really mad at someone. In other words, I am learning how to be human.
ReplyDelete